Thank you, Bill Gates. Thank you, Steve Jobs. You may have saved my marriage. Because of you, my husband and I hardly argue any more. That is because we hardly talk anymore. Instead we send each other abbreviated, misspelled, unpunctuated messages via e-mail and texting.
“Honey,” I write in an e-mail from my computer to his PDA, “I made a date to go out with Frank and Jane this Saturday night. Put it in your I-phone.” I communicate this to him electronically because I know what I have done will not make him happy. He does not care for the company of Frank and Jane, but I could put them off no longer. If I tell him this in person, I have to observe him roll his eyes, drop his head, grimace, and act like I had just invited Hitler for brunch. This will aggravate me because he is not being a good sport about my girlhood summer camp best friend with whom I have recently reunited. Then I will remind him of all the occasions when I had tolerated his obnoxious fraternity brothers, and voila! We’re having an argument.
Instead, I receive a written response which says: “If I haf 2!” I am reasonably certain he has gone through his annoying gestural routine before sending me his answer, but only the dog knows for sure. And I’m not asking.
Then there was the time I backed the new car into a tree. “Hun,” I text, “I’ll b late. Car accident.” And I quickly turn off my cell phone. Had I called him to tell him this, or waited until I got home, my “hun” would have reacted similarly to his tribesman Attila. This, of course, would reduce me to a pathetic, weepy little woman, which in turn would result in an outpouring of counterattacks as soon as I had regained my composure. Fortunately, none of this has to happen anymore. Instead, my text message raised just enough concern that by the time I get home he is so happy to see me safe and sound, that the dangling rear bumper is of little consequence.
So I am pleased to say that my new e-marriage is flourishing. We are currently 3G but are seriously considering a whole new level of happiness as a 4G couple. I feel giddy as I anticipate the possibilities!
I would be less than honest, however, if I don’t report that there is a downside to all this electronic passion. Since my husband switched his PDA from a Blackberry to an I-Phone, I have not seen his face. The machine constantly calls to him with whooshes, beeps, pings and rings, and he cannot help but respond. When that is not happening, he is e-mailing, texting, phoning, reading headlines or trying to figure out what else the damn thing can do. It’s been three weeks now. I am starting to forget what he looks like, but I am very well acquainted with the bald spot on top of his head.
I realize that progress is not without sacrifice. Even so, occasional eye contact would still be nice. Who knows? Maybe there’s an app for that!