This essay has to be quick, brief and simple.  Why? Because I am at risk!  Any minute now some unseen entity could be looking over my shoulder and stealing every word that I write.   So I’m saving all of my really good words for another time when my security is not in jeopardy.

(Did I just use the word “jeopardy?”  Uh oh!  That was one of my good words.  I must be more careful going forward.)

How do I happen to find myself in this situation? Believe me, through no fault of my own.  The current circumstance is an unfortunate sequelae of trusting a higher power.  (“Sequelae.”  Damn! Just blew another one.)

I was one of those who was naïve enough to believe that Windows XP would always be there for me.  I should have heeded my mother’s advice to never trust an Operating System.  (Actually, my mother didn’t tell me that but she definitely would have if they had been around in her lifetime.  My mother didn’t trust anyone!)

Instead of feeling the love when I open my computer, daily messages flash on my screen warning me that I am no longer being supported by my invisible protector.  The alarm system, the barbed wire, the bell around the cat’s neck, and all other security measures have been removed, leaving me vulnerable to alien forces.  The Empire has aligned with the Klingons and they are just waiting to take me down!

These messages say they require my immediate attention.  They sound harsh and demanding, but they are not without compassion.  They also offer me end-of-support guidance for my operating system.  It’s like a cyber-rabbi is inviting me to join a bereavement group for my computer.

In general, I am not opposed to change.   Change is good when it comes to seasons, clothing, perhaps even husbands.  But change is definitely not good when it comes to my computer.

When something is as baffling as modern technology, one develops a comfort zone.  Over time, you establish a relationship with your equipment.  You understand each other.  You are aware of each other’s quirks.  For example, on those sluggish mornings when your computer seems to need a little more time to turn itself on, you have learned not to become impatient and pound on the keys.  Instead, you calmly rise from your chair and begin to do your laundry.

But now I’m advised that I’m vulnerable to security risks and viruses unless I upgrade.  I don’t want to upgrade.  I hate upgrades.  Upgrades change everything and not always for the better.  (Like recently I had to upgrade my e-reader and now it keeps losing my place!)

However, left with no choice, I have had to purchase a new computer.  I wonder, was this also part of the conspiracy?

So these are the last words I will write on my no longer viable machine.  Tomorrow I will be the owner of a newly-installed computer whose Operating System might give hackers a bit more of a challenge.

Hopefully my data transfer will go without a hitch.  May The Force be with me!

P.S.  If any of you also have XP issues, or any other Windows or Mac needs, may I recommend the best computer guy in the NYC metropolitan area? His name is Russell, and he can be reached at (646) 734-1996.  And don’t forget to tell him that his mother sent you!

Humor Blogs