ScreenClipUnless you’ve recently crawled under a rock, or have been hiding out on a Pacific island with the Japanese soldier who didn’t know WW II had ended, you must be aware that the much- anticipated film version of “Fifty Shades of Grey” was released this weekend, with the biggest advanced ticket sales of any movie.  Ever.

If you, like me, are at that age where novel erotic positions are guaranteed to give you leg cramps, but don’t want to feel left out of the sexual frenzy, I offer you a reprint of my own, formerly released versions of two out of three of the “Fifty Shades” trilogy.

As I’m sure all of my literati friends already know, “Fifty Shades of Grey” is about a kinky relationship between a very unreal 27-year-old drop-dead gorgeous male who is a self-made gazillionaire, and a somewhat unreal beautiful 21-year-old female recent college graduate who is still a virgin.  She is an English literature major with a perfect grade point average who nevertheless expresses her emotional astonishments by repeating the phrases “holy crap,” “holy shit,” and “holy fuck” on alternating occasions.

Since my version is written for those of a more advanced age, it is both responsible and legally prudent that the book come with a warning.  Opening the cover, or firing up your Kindle, may be hazardous to your health.  Consult your physician before reading.  Perusing this volume may result in: shortness of breath, atrial andor ventricular fibrillation, spiking of blood pressure, shingles, varicose veins, loosening of dental implants, and short-circuiting of hearing aids.   Don’t read this story if you are prone to erections that last more than four hours.

“Fifty Shades” Reconsidered

Judah Gold, shortened from Goldberg, encounters Anna Steelman at a class reunion taking place in Boca del Mar y Lago, Florida, where fifty shades of grey refers to the hair color of all those in attendance who have given up on Clairol.

He remembers her from high school as a pretty cheerleader with sexy legs, whose pom poms used to give him an erection.  He approaches her.  “Anna,” he calls out, noting the name tag on her left breast just to be certain, casually sweeping his eyes over to her right breast as well.  He takes in the rest of her with an appreciative eye, noting that she is still very attractive, and that he finds her love handles a turn-on.

“Holy cow,” she says, “Judah Goldberg.  I haven’t seen you in over 40 years.”  She does not fail to appreciate him as well, noting his still handsome face, almost full head of hair, trim physique and expensive clothes.  “If he can still drive at night,” she muses to herself, “he would be a perfect catch.”

“It’s Gold now, Anna,” he says in a rich, sophisticated voice with just a hint of a Long Island accent, “Judah Gold.”

“You look wonderful, Judah,” she remarks.  “You’ve kept yourself very fit.  Clearly, your Medicare supplement includes the Silver Sneakers program at the gym.”

“I have a personal trainer, Anna,” he corrects her, somewhat haughtily.  “I’m very wealthy.”

They chat and catch up on the intervening years.  Both are widowed.  He informs her that he is retired, and living full time in Boca, except when he uses his private jet to visit exotic locations, or his helicopter to take him shopping in Palm Beach.

“And how are you keeping busy?” she asks.

“I have a new hobby,” he replies.  “I practice domination.”

“Domination?” she repeats querulously, “is that anything like canasta?”

He is instantly stimulated by her naivete, and tries to quiet his throbbing prostate.  He tells her he will explain in due time, and they continue talking.  He is becoming aroused by thoughts of bringing her to his home, where he has turned his Florida room into a tropical pink playground of submission.

By the end of the evening, Judah has asked her out to dinner the following week.  Anna’s inner yenta urges her to accept.  Because he wants to sweep her off her feet, he resists inviting her for the early bird special.  Although he is wealthy, he is also very frugal when it comes to restaurants.

On the evening of their date, he has his driver, Barber, pick her up at 6:30.  Judah is waiting at the restaurant and escorts her to the table.  “Sit,” he commands her.  The waiter brings the menus and he orders for both of them.  In a short time, the appetizer arrives.  “Eat,” he tells her.  During the meal, Judah’s cell phone rings.  As he excuses himself and walks away to take the call, he instructs Anna to “stay.”

Why does he talk like a dog trainer?  She wonders to herself, but is distracted by the delicious food.

Dinner is very pleasant, and Anna is becoming giddy from the wine.  Judah decides to make his move tonight.  At this age, one cannot afford to waste time.

She agrees to go to his house for a nightcap, after which Barber will take her home.  She is overwhelmed by the size of his estate.  “How do you manage to get around all these acres?”  she asks him.  “Remember, Anna,” he responds, “I’m very wealthy.  I have my own golf cart.”

Anna “oohs” and “ahs” at his beautiful art work, the expensive furnishings, the 14 kt. gold grab bars in the bathrooms.  He escorts her through all of the rooms but one.  He is conniving to make her curious.  She takes the bait.

“What’s this room?” she asks, glancing at the closed door of the former Florida room.  “That is where I play at domination,” he responds in a suddenly curt and clipped manner.  My, thinks Anna, he certainly is moody.  Nothing like my Harry, may he rest in peace.  “So let me see,” she implores.  “Perhaps it’s a game I can teach to the girls at the club.”

Again, he finds her naivete a turn-on, but tells her that before he can show her the room, she has to sign a disclaimer that she is entering at her own risk.  She is puzzled, but consents.  He produces the paper as she searches through her handbag for her reading glasses.

Once the formality is accomplished, he proceeds to unlock the door.  Anna steps inside and gasps.  She has never seen anything like it.  In the center of the room is an ornate king-sized four-poster bed covered in expensive satin fabric with a palm tree motif.  Little monkeys decorate the matching pillow shams.  Silk ropes are tied around each of the posts. On one wall, at least twenty very expensive Gucci and Pucci silk scarves are hanging on hooks.  Another wall contains a rack with canes of various sizes.  To the left of the bed is a rhinestone-studded walker.  Could those be handcuffs attached to the grip? A wheel-chair upholstered in genuine snakeskin, and equipped with restraints, stands by the window.  Ropes with leather wrist cuffs hang from the ceiling.  She spots a tie rack with clearly very costly men ties.  At this moment, Anna is not sure if she has stepped into the pages of a Neiman-Marcus Christmas catalog, or a rehab center.

Anna nervously begins biting the knuckle of her right thumb.  A woman biting her right thumb knuckle has always been the sexual tipping point for Judah.  He can stand it no longer.  He pulls Anna to him.  His hands caress her love handles.  He kisses her squarely on the mouth, his tongue finding its way between her teeth, as he backs her onto the ornate king-sized four-poster bed.

Fifty Shades Greyer

When we last left Anna Steelman and Judah Gold (ne Goldberg), she had just been introduced to his Florida Room of Pain (aka the Pink Playground), and was being ravished atop the ornate four-poster bed by a turned-on Mr. G.  He succeeded in awakening stirrings within her that she had not experienced since discontinuing hormone replacement therapy some twenty-odd years ago.  At first she confused these sensations with a bladder infection, but soon discovered they were really dormant sexual longings.

Anna quickly learned that the game of domination had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with canasta (possibly strip poker, but definitely not canasta), and that a sub, in this case, was not a hero sandwich.  Uncertain of her limits, but intrigued in spite of herself, she agreed to become his sexual slave.  “After all,” she reasoned, “how far can he go? We’re not exactly kids anymore, you know!”

Judah suggested they establish a “safe word” that she could use if he did, in fact, get too frisky due to an extra Viagra.   After tossing around several possibilities, like “Uncle” or “Get off me you sick bastard,” they agreed on “Genug,” Yiddish for “if you don’t stop right now I’ll kick you in the kishkas.”

Anna also discovered that, in addition to liking kinky sex, Judah was very possessive.  He wanted to know where she was and with whom at every moment she was not with him.  To this end, he presented her with a lap-top computer and a special cell phone so he could call, e-mail or text her throughout the day.  She reluctantly accepted these devices, but absolutely drew the line at wearing an ankle monitor.  Her inner yenta was also appalled by this suggestion, reminding Anna that she was prone to fluid retention which often caused swelling in that precise body part.

Anna was not familiar with lap top computers and mistook it for a cutting board.  Luckily, her eight-year-old grandson, who happened to be in the kitchen, stopped her just as she was about to chop onions.  He then proceeded to teach her how to use it for its intended purpose.

At eleven p.m. that evening, Anna was startled awake by a strange dinging sound.  Ruling out all other sources, such as maybe she forgot to shut the refrigerator door and all the food was spoiling, she finally realized it was coming from the lap top.  Anna opened the cover, releasing the bright light, and sure enough, there was the first e-mail from Judah.

“To:  Anna Steelman;  Subject:  What are you doing and with whom? Date:  April 12, 2014;  23:10:06

Dear Anna,

Sorry if I disturbed you, but I get particularly jealous at night, and need to be reassured that you are alone in your bed. Sincerely,

Judah Gold, President and CEO, Boca del Mar y Lago Homeowners Association, Phase I”


“Oh my,” thought Anna, “he is crazy.”  Nevertheless she found his jealously exciting, and decided to answer him.


“To: Judah Gold; Subject: Take a sleeping pill; Date: April 12, 2012; 23:14:05

Dear Judah:

For this you wake me up? Although I find your jealousy flattering, may I remind you that my late husband died ten years ago, and except for the dog, who died four years ago, I have been sleeping completely alone.  While it is a little lonely, I have actually been sleeping better since no one is snoring in my ear.  That would be the dog, not my late husband.  So would you please refrain from late night e-mails.  The dinging gave me quite a start. Sincerely,

Anna Steelman, Treasurer, Women s Canasta Society of Vista Shores”


“To Anna Steelman; Subject: Sorry about that; Date: April 13, 2014; 9:30:10

Dear Anna:

I’m sorry I disturbed you last night, but it was relieving to learn that you have not replaced your husband or your dog.  I hope you have a restful day because I have big plans for us tonight.  Later today, Barber will deliver a dress and matching shoes that I bought for you and would like you to wear this evening.  And by the way, do you have a bra without quite so many fasteners? Undoing all those hooks last time inflamed my carpal tunnel syndrome.”  I can’t wait to see you.   I’m tingling with anticipation.

Judah Gold, President and CEO, Boca del Mar y Lago Homeowners Association, Phase I”


“To: Judah Gold; Subject: Tingling; Date: April 13, 2014; 13:20:04

Dear Judah:

Barber just arrived with the dress and shoes, as well as the bra that fastens with Velcro.  Sorry you weren’t here to see me rolling my eyes when I opened the box.  I think you had better take down the tingling a few notches, because I won’t be wearing any of it.  First of all, the dress.  I can’t tell the front from the back.  Either way, I haven’t worn a neckline that low since my hospital gown fell open when I was having my tonsils removed.  I was four at the time.  And the shoes? Judah, do you really want to spend the night in the emergency room watching some teen-aged doctor tape up my ankle?  I will consider the bra, however.  Under the circumstances, Velcro does seem practical.

Anna Steelman, Treasurer, Women’s Canasta Society of Vista Shores”


“To: Anna Steelman; Subject: Our Agreement; Date: April 13, 2014; 14:07:07

Dear Mrs. Steelman:

May I remind you that you agreed, when we were together, that you would wear the clothes I chose? I insist you wear the blue dress.  Regarding the shoes, you may have a point there.  My itinerary for the evening does not include the emergency room.  Barber will come around again with another, lower-heeled version.    And, for rolling your eyes, you will be punished!  Laters, baby!

Judah Gold, President and CEO, Boca del Mar y Largo Homeowners Association, Phase 1”


“To: Judah Gold; Subject: Anger Management; Date: April 13, 2014; 14:30:10

Dear Mr. Gold:

Do I detect anger in your communication? May I remind you that I reserved the right to decline any garment that revealed more skin than would be appropriate at a bar mitzvah party?  I don’t know what kind of affairs you attend, but if I showed up in the blue dress, the party favor for every child would be a case of PTSD.  Tonight, I shall put on something of my own choosing, but promise to wear the sexy lingerie, even though it makes me feel a little foolish, something like Victoria’s Secret meets Depends.  And what, pray tell, do you have in mind for punishment? I can hardly wait.  If it’s anything like the last time, I better take an extra blood pressure pill.  I can’t believe what you’ve awakened in me.  Insatiably yours, Anna XO

P.S.  What’s with the “laters?”

Anna Steelman, Treasurer, Women’s Canasta Society of Vista Shores”

And here we leave Judah Gold and Anna Steelman as their digital footprints continue to trek through cyberspace.  Eventually, the e-mails stop when they move in together.  She gives up her smaller space for his lavish house.  Having found someone who believes he is a good person and worthy of love, Judah gives up his fetish and allows Anna to turn the Pink Room of Pain back into a Florida Room, where they spend many happy hours together playing canasta.

(Watch for the next movie version, featuring Barbra Streisand playing Anna.  To be shown in select cities everywhere!)

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