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The Biggest Loser.  Not.

We all know that life isn’t fair.  I think we learn that when we’re still young, and the examples keep piling up.

For instance, have you ever been in a public restroom stall, and just finishing your business, when the toilet paper falls off the spindle and rolls under the door? Not fair!

Or, you’re driving on a road with a 40 mph speed limit which suddenly goes downhill and the speed limit switches to 25 mph and a cop is waiting at the bottom? So not fair!

Or you buy some seasonal fruit which looks so delicious and you can’t wait to bite into it, and you have to spit it out because it’s mealy and sour?  Not fair that you can’t tell a fruit by its cover.

Or, you just get comfy in your bed and are about to fall asleep when suddenly you have to pee?

And you know what else isn’t fair?  When your husband agrees to go on a diet with you, not because he needs to, but wants to be supportive, kind of like a sober partner, and what happens?  He loses 10 pounds, and you lose 3!

This, dear readers, is the result of two weeks of dieting, essentially eating the same foods, and making the same sacrifices.  Now I ask you, does this seem right?

Each morning after our weigh-ins, he would jubilantly inform me that he had dropped another pound or two.  As for me, after the initial loss, the scale just froze.  Kind of like a computer does sometimes.  Maybe it’s a generational thing, but I couldn’t figure out how to reboot the scale.  I was so desperate that I even whipped off my nightgown, which probably weighs about an ounce, to see if I could get that spawn of the devil to move.  But it just looked me in the eye and sneered.

Oh, I know there are biological reasons why men lose weight more easily than women.  Men have more muscle mass than we do.  Muscle burns more calories than fat.  Unfortunately, women are wired to store more fat, which conversely burns fewer calories.  I believe the added fat was Mother Nature’s way of protecting us during pregnancy.  But once those days are over, is it unreasonable to think that we should be able to apply for some kind of adjustment?

And despite all this logical scientific information, I admit it has been difficult getting past the testosterone envy.

So last Monday I began Phase II of the diet plan, which reintroduced some carbs.  This was so exciting that in the morning I nearly had an orgasm over a bowl of oatmeal.  (I really must reexamine my life.)

The plan says I will continue to lose, but more slowly.  More slowly?  At this rate, I just might reach my ideal body weight and become a centenarian all on the same day!

As for my husband, he’s off on his own after reclaiming his army weight, but he remains carb-conscious.  Which is fine, as long as he doesn’t drag out his bar mitzvah suit to show me that he can once again button the jacket.  If this occurs, I will be forced to consider some form of sabotage, like substituting ice cream for his low-fat, low-sugar frozen yogurt and convincing him that it tastes so good because I switched to a different brand.

But, I shall be steadfast.  Warrior that I am, I can handle two more weeks.  I’ll just take it one day at a time, as tomorrow I feast on a slice of whole wheat toast.

Although it may be terribly frustrating to more than 50% of the population, the difference between men and women when it comes to weight loss is just a fact of life.  And who says life is fair? Certainly not all those people with chubby fingers trying to use cell phones.

By | 2018-08-16T14:28:17+00:00 August 16th, 2018|Categories: Diet, Spouse|6 Comments

About the Author:

Born and raised in New York City, Susan currently splits her time between Florida and Connecticut. She lives with her husband, and the world’s cutest dog, Sam, a rough-coat Russell Terrier. Susan gives her audiences a sideways view of life on a range of relatable topics. Whether skewering marriage, growing older, fashion, the media, politics, or money matters, her light touch keeps people laughing – and thinking.

6 Comments

  1. Steve White August 16, 2018 at 2:14 pm - Reply

    Love the illustration!

  2. Marjorie Weiss August 16, 2018 at 2:28 pm - Reply

    Good luck!

  3. Sarah Bracey white August 16, 2018 at 2:31 pm - Reply

    Entertaining, as always. Yep. Life is not fair! Keep at it, Susan (the diet and writing)!

  4. Marcia Selden August 16, 2018 at 4:25 pm - Reply

    You never fail to make me laugh hysterically! You’re the best!

  5. Rachel August 16, 2018 at 6:23 pm - Reply

    So TRUE. Love it!

  6. carla berger August 16, 2018 at 6:41 pm - Reply

    Great piece…

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