Hey boys and girls, in case you haven’t noticed, it’s Awards season. Did you know there are some 44 different awards events between January and the big finale, The Academy Awards, at the end of February? So many opportunities for celebrities to dress up, and hang out. Mostly, it’s the women who hang out. Which leads me to the topic at hand.
Well, the topic is not about hands, exactly, although hands are very useful and certainly deserving of a discussion all their own. But not today. Today we are discussing boobs. (Neal, did I finally peak your interest?)
I watched the Golden Globe Awards a week ago Sunday. If you’re anything like me, you watch these award shows as much for the fashions as for the winners. In fact, I’d say that for women viewers, it’s mostly about the fashion. The Fiji Water girl notwithstanding, the show itself is treacle. The hosts are typically mediocre at best. And the “Award goes to…” announcements tend to provoke me into emitting cries of “You’ve got to be kidding!” aimed at my TV screen.
But, back to the fashions. Am I imagining it, or was 2019 the Year of the Supreme Plunging Neckline? I now know more about the anatomy of such celebrities as Taraji P. Henson and Regina King than I ever wanted to know. Seeing them standing at the podium was almost as intimate as sharing a dressing room in a bathing suit store.
And they were hardly the only ones who had chosen gowns with no fronts. Halle Berry, Gina Rodriquez, Saoirse Ronan, Renee Bargh, Keri Russell, Marin Hinkle, Patricia Clarkson. (Patricia Clarkson? You go, girl!) I became completely overwhelmed by the numbers of perky boobs playing peek-a-boo with the audience.
I held my breath in the anticipation that at least one of these women would have a Janet Jackson-style wardrobe malfunction. But it never happened. Was I disappointed? Maybe a little.
So how do they do it, keep everything so perfectly in place? Are the gowns real, or spray-painted body art? I really don’t think so, but the experience does raise other questions, which I share with you below.
Are gowns without fronts cheaper? Considering the designer skimped on the yardage, they certainly should be. And that goes for backless tushy plungers as well.
Should women with breasts larger than a pre-pubescent teenager’s even consider wearing one of these gowns? Surely there are rules which outlaw normal women from even considering the almost full-frontal exposure.
And speaking of size, are there plastic surgeons who specialize in not only reshaping one’s anatomy to ensure the successful wearing of said garments, but also implant a strip of Velcro to hold the damn things in place? Or do magnetic implants work just as well?
Do these low cut gowns come with an instruction manual? I mean, if you’re a first-time user, surely you require some guidance in order to maintain propriety. For example, is it okay to wave? What about vigorous hand-clapping? What happens if I sneeze? Must I hire a companion to blow my nose or scratch my head?
If one is the appropriate Double-A bra size, but can’t afford the plastic surgeon, or the companion for head-scratching and nose-blowing, is there something else out there to help avoid the censors? I suppose one can always check the fashion aisle at the local hardware store for double-sided tape or Gorilla Glue. But the latter may wind up being costly, as the garment might need to be surgically removed.
I’m sure that in a week’s time, I will stop obsessing about breast-baring necklines, and turn my attention to other trivial matters. At least until the end of February, when the Academy Awards will provide yet another showcase for female anatomy.
But before I move on to the next big thing, I do have one additional comment. With all that flaunting of the goods, these ladies have certainly added a whole new meaning to the term Golden Globes.
(P.S. Women: in case any of you meet the criteria and are considering purchasing a frontless gown, my exhaustive research did uncover (no pun intended) a very real product on the market called Boob Glue. I actually watched a video. You apply it to your skin, press the fabric of the garment to your breast, and hold it for one minute. Then do the other side. It appeared to work. But I didn’t stay tuned for the removal. So use it at your own risk.)