Can you believe it’s already mid-September? Where have all the flowers gone? The summer flew by as quickly as if it was being pursued by a pack of cheetahs. (Do cheetahs run in packs?) Now, all the signs of fall are in the air — shorter days, cooler nights, and, according to my runny nose and itchy eyes, whichever pollen is released into the atmosphere after Labor Day.
And as much as some of us hate to see summer disappear, we are motivated to turn our attention to our wardrobes. Do we play by the old rules and pack away those whites until next Memorial Day, or abide by “white is still alright?” (See White is Still Alright……).
And who can resist the temptation of perusing the fall fashion supplements that arrive with our newspapers, or of browsing through a fashion magazine as we wait at the check-out line in the local supermarket.
One such opportunity presented itself to me as I sat in the waiting room of one of the many doctors I visit every September. (Fall also happens to be my check-up season. See High Maintenance…) Lying on the coffee table was the very hefty volume of the latest Vogue Magazine, loudly announcing that it was “The September Issue” and inviting me to “Come On In.” Anticipating the average 45-minute wait to see the doctor, I calculated that I probably had enough time to flip through a least half of the more than 592 pages. And so I did. Went on in, that is.
And what was in it for me? Absolutely nothing! Unless I wanted to emulate some 14-year-old model in six inch stilettos, and a low cut suit jacket with nothing underneath. Or consider a short skirt with boots rising to mid-thigh. Or how about a T-shirt sporting a picture of Alice Cooper?
Women of a certain age (and men, too) once again we have been overlooked by the media and the fashion industry! Nowhere among those glossy pages was there a representation of the millions of us who are more concerned with fashionably concealing than revealing.
Still with time on my hands, I wondered what a fashion magazine would actually contain if it was geared towards the Medicare set. And who would publish it? So let me share with you some preliminary thoughts about my fantasy publication.
WELCOME TO THE LATEST ISSUE OF THE AARP MAGAZINE FALL FASHION PREVIEW
THE PRACTICAL STILETTO
We are proud to feature the latest fashion in footwear for Fall. Jimmy Choo’s heretofore unknown half-brother, Seymour, has designed the perfect shoe for the fashion-conscious woman who is also concerned with avoiding a hip replacement. Meet the new stiletto — the one with the removable heel. Unlike his half-brother, Sy Choo really gets older women. The long thin heel is perfect for crossing a sexy leg while seated, or quietly standing still while posing for a family photo. But want to get from Point A to Point B? Simply unscrew the heels, tuck them discreetly into your purse, and voila! You are comfortably and safely on terra firma.
Everything old is new again! The fashion house of Yves St. Laurent revives the Trapeze shape!
Those YSL folks understand that women of a certain age desire to look fashionable and trim, but also reject Spanx and other confining undergarments. Enter the Trapeze dress. A big hit in the 50’s, the line has been updated to suit the modern Medicare recipient who wants to be chic, and yet discrete about her muffin tops. Add a pair of low-heeled, sensible shoes and you’re ready for the fall season. Available in two slimming shades: black and ebony.
NOT YOUR DAUGHTER’S THONGS
Feel foolish wearing bikini underwear? Tummy revealing those few extra pounds that came from who knows where? Don’t despair. You can still feel sexy in today’s high-waisted briefs! Every woman knows that the backbone of any good wardrobe is their undies (along with bras that actually fit). So here’s the skinny on the latest skivvies. For that woman of a certain age, we present the extra cut and coverage line of high waisted underwear. These little cuties are far from frumpy. Made with lace in all the right places, they feature polka dots, stripes, and flashy patterns that you wouldn’t be caught dead in wearing on the outside. But under those Trapeze dresses, why not have a little bit of fun?
THE HOT 2019 JUMPSUIT? YES, YOU CAN!
Good news! You don’t have to avoid the versatile jumpsuit just because your last birthday came with more frequent trips to the loo. Thanks to Neiman-Marcus and the House of DVF, you can enjoy the long, lean look afforded by this sexy one-piece garment without the stress of removing it before you lose bladder control. Today’s jumpsuit for the older woman comes with quick-release features that assures you will always look cool… and stay dry. So whether you want one of these cuties for casual wear, or a black silk for a formal occasion, go for it! Be daring! Remember, relief is just a snap away.
To be continued, folks. The nurse just called my name. Please feel free to send me any ideas of your own. I’d be happy to forward them to AARP for their first fashion issue. So be sure to look inside. It’s all there for us!
This essay is dedicated to my wonderful, funny friend Adele, who valiantly and with unbelievable grace won many battles with cancer, but ultimately lost the war. I will miss you and the humor we shared.