For a time, I was really worried.  My observation of some agitated Congress persons was leading me to believe that a new strain of virus had again escaped from some laboratory, or from a free range chicken who had inadvertently flown inside the Capitol.

I concluded that contact with this virus affected the part of the brain that regulates decision-making regarding the commission of high crimes and misdemeanors, resulting in a frenzy of random cries for impeachment.

Anyone was a target: Cabinet members, the President, even the President’s son who held no public office at all.  Subsequently, the Cabinet member who was actually impeached was acquitted and the efforts against the President were dropped.  I’m not sure what the antidote was, but impeachment fever seems to have subsided.  At least for now.  But I wouldn’t advise Hunter Biden to become complacent!

I’m aware that impeachment is a charge of misconduct typically made against a holder of a public office.  But while this fever was raging, I began thinking how satisfying it would be if we could in fact impeach those persons we may encounter on a daily basis whose conduct may be negatively impacting our quality of life.   As with impeachment of a government official, if found guilty of being really annoying, they wouldn’t be jailed, but banished!

And so, like the Lord High Executioner in the Mikado, I decided to create “a little list.”  Below, in no specific order, I present my personal roster of “society’s offenders.”

CAT WOMAN:  She has taken 25 cans of Little Friskies from the shelf in my local super market and manages to get in front of me on the “12-items-or-less” checkout line.  When confronted regarding the fact that 25 is twice the specified amount on the illuminated sign, she replies “Oh, but they’re all one item.”  I stand behind her, muttering under my breath as the cashier scans 25 cans one can at a time.  If found guilty, Cat Woman will be banned from every express checkout line in America, and sentenced to stand behind the fullest grocery cart with her single pint of ice cream.

CHRISTINA HALL:  “Christina who?” I hear you query.  Christina Hall is none other than the pretty blonde Gen Z woman who is the spokesperson for Jacuzzi Bath Remodel.  While there is no shortage of horrible commercials on TV, hers is a standout.  Her sing-song voice and up-talk make me want to dive under the nearest pillow.  I can’t believe this ad is successful.  Tell me, would you invest in a bathroom make-over based on the upward inflection of a Valley girl?  If impeached and found guilty, little Christina would be forced to take elocution lessons or be banned from public speaking forever.

ERRANT CELL PHONE OWNER:  Despite multiple reminders preceded by an emphatic “Please” as in “I Implore You,” to turn off your cell phone before the performance begins, there is that person in the theater who is neglectful.  Whether it’s sheer carelessness or a “You can’t make me” attitude, the cell phone is bound to ring at the saddest, funniest, or most tense part of the performance.  Heads are no longer turned towards the stage, but rotating left and right, scanning the audience for the scofflaw.  If the person is discovered, and found to be a one-time offender, the impeachment tribunal can be lenient.  But if the evidence shows that he or she is a serial offender, then not only will he\she be banned from Telecharge for a period of no less than 5 years, but also forced to sit in a non-binary restroom and hand out paper towels.  Tipping to be decided.

SLOW LIFE IN THE FAST LANE:  Let me go on record by saying that I don’t (usually) speed.  If the posted speed limit on a highway is 65, you can catch me doing 70.  And if possible, I avoid driving in the left lane.  Those that challenge the radar gun, or a driver with a pregnant wife in the back seat about to give birth, are free to speed past me.  But apparently, I’m not a good example.  There are times when driving in the left lane is unavoidable.  It’s those times when I will invariably find myself behind some driver whose top speed is hovering around 48.  He or she is happily motoring along and are oblivious to the fact that they are a highway hazard, forcing other motorists to pass them on the right, while flipping the bird.  The impeachment charge is inciting road rage, and if found guilty, these heedless motorists will be banned from all interstates, and diverted to local roads with speed bumps.

I know this list is short, but I’m sure it will increase as more of my petty grievances reveal themselves.  And I really do feel better now.   I had no idea that impeachment could be so therapeutic!

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