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Drug Testing

Question:  What do the Presidential primaries and my new web site have in common?

Absolutely nothing, except for the fact that they are both happening today.  So welcome to my new home and my new title “An Unfiltered Wit.”

Since it is a Super Tuesday, I thought it fitting for my first essay on this fresh page to be somewhat presidential.  Therefore, I have decided once again to take on the pharmaceutical industry.  Last year I presented an essay which challenged you to identify the drugs with phonetically ridiculous names that were currently being advertised on TV.

shutterstock_292061255This year, while we mourn the passing of “Downton Abbey” and the imminent finale of “The Good Wife,” the void that will be Sunday night has already been occupied by the next generation of medications with dumb names.  While the potential side effects remain similar, anywhere from hives to brain death, I have been struck by one new caveat.

The masculine, authoritative warning voice cautions us: Do not take Remedy X if you are allergic to Remedy X.   Duh!  Never having taken Remedy X before, how the hell would I know that?  Does this caution exempt the company from a law suit as my tongue swells inside my mouth and chokes me to death?

Therefore, in the interest of saving your life, and if you have nothing better to do on Sunday nights until football season, I present my latest drug test.  Don’t stress about chronic constipation.  Relief is just 10 questions away.

Neulasta

  1. A replacement for last year’s Lasta
  2. Next generation of Spandex
  3. Something recently mentioned lasta, but by no means leasta
  4. Not this again!

Cosentryx

  1. Two eccentric people who are pathologically codependent
  2. Functions of the new math
  3. Tryx performed by Cosen the Magician
  4. Help!

Tecfidera

  1. A head covering worn by a computer geek
  2. An involuntary body movement involving the fidera
  3. The name of a technical college written by a dyslexic
  4. Where the hell is the fidera?

Osphena

  1. The result of crossing an osprey with a hyena
  2. Os phena. How are you?
  3. A really good computer operating system
  4. I think I’m going to be sick

Toujeo

  1. A slight increase over onejeo
  2. The same dyslexic ordering two glasses of a popular breakfast drink
  3. A chain of delicatessens in South Florida
  4. Stop picking on dyslexics!

Belsomra

  1. Recently revealed alias of Belle Starr, famous female outlaw, when she entered the witness protection program
  2. A cheer for Belsom
  3. Successor to the Egyptian Sun God
  4. It only hurts when I laugh

Entyvio

  1. Phonetic spelling of N T V O
  2. A project of FDR’s New Deal
  3. Oprah’s answer to MTV
  4. Give me a break

Breo

  1. The flip side of an Oreo
  2. A cry of surprise after tasting a soft, creamy French cheese
  3. A song once popularized by Harry Belafonte
  4. I’m feeling a bit feverish

Linzess

  1. A Manhattan restaurant  famous for its cheese cake
  2. A swing dance originating in the 1930’s
  3. A female Linz
  4. Just shoot me

Januvia

  1. The month preceding Febuvia
  2. Part of Jan’s eyeball
  3. A Greek god dedicated to blocking deadly rays from the sun
  4. Enough already

Are you still with me?  If so, the real answers are below.

Neulasta: reduces risk of infection during chemotherapy; Cosentryx: treats plaque psoriasis; Tecfidera: relapsing MS; Osphena: for females experiencing painful sex; Toujeo and Januvia: diabetes; Belsomra: sleep aid; Entyvio: colitis; Breo: COPD; Linzess: constipation

What do you think of the new blog site?  Your feedback is greatly appreciated.

By | 2016-03-15T12:41:10+00:00 March 15th, 2016|Categories: Doctors, Medicine|8 Comments

About the Author:

Born and raised in New York City, Susan currently splits her time between Florida and Connecticut. She lives with her husband, and the world’s cutest dog, Sam, a rough-coat Russell Terrier. Susan gives her audiences a sideways view of life on a range of relatable topics. Whether skewering marriage, growing older, fashion, the media, politics, or money matters, her light touch keeps people laughing – and thinking.

8 Comments

  1. Brüder March 16, 2016 at 5:54 pm - Reply

    Does it take you longer to put something like this together than to create one of the more typical entries? These are really funny.

  2. admin March 17, 2016 at 3:40 pm - Reply

    This is a test to see if this box is working.

  3. admin March 17, 2016 at 3:40 pm - Reply

    Guess it’s working!

  4. Marcia Smalley March 17, 2016 at 4:22 pm - Reply

    This is so delightful! I’ll be sharing it with my husband…we always say we’d rather have the ailment than deal with the side effects of these medications 🙂 Although with this Presidential campaign, I’m starting to reconsider…

    Love your writing!
    Marcia

    • admin March 17, 2016 at 4:28 pm - Reply

      I think you’re on to something. Pain medication may be the only way to deal with what’s going on!

  5. Carol Makofsky March 18, 2016 at 2:12 pm - Reply

    Hilarious and brilliant! I am crowning you the ‘Princess of Puns.’ I’d say more, but it’s time for me to take my medication.
    Carol M.

    • Susan Goldfein March 18, 2016 at 2:28 pm - Reply

      Very funny. Did you ever think of starting a blog?

  6. Linda Johnson August 22, 2017 at 4:17 am - Reply

    EXACTLY. !! My thoughts coincide with yours … it never fails, the “med feeds ” come on right when I feel kinda funky …. then ,ya know, I’m more vulnerable !!! My husband and I say the same thing about rather having the disease than suffer the “side efffects” of the meds they are pushing… Great blog ….

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