I have this friend.  Let’s call her Nicky.  (Short for the five-cent coin.)  Nicky is an otherwise smart and sensible woman, but she does have her idiosyncratic causes.   For example, she once took on the haters and formed a support group for people over 65 who refused to give up their AOL account.  Riding on that success, her latest campaign is the elimination of Tuesday.

My friend Nicky finds this particular day of the week useless and irrelevant.  She vehemently argues that it’s a day without purpose.  To prove her point, she counts off the other six days of the week and recites each one’s raison d’etre.

Let’s begin with Monday.  According to Nicky, Monday’s reason for being is to be the focus of dread.  Everyone hates Mondays because Monday morning ends the weekend and restarts the daily grind.  That is, unless you happen to be retired and living in Florida.  But for the rest of the world, no one particularly likes Monday.

Moving right along to Wednesday.  Wednesday has a special nickname.  It’s called Hump Day.  Why? Because it’s smack in the middle of the week.  And once we get over the hump, we’re 24 hours closer to the weekend.

And Thursday.  Thursday’s purpose is to proudly stand as the day before Friday.

Then there’s Friday.  Nicky feels, and rightly so, that Friday needs no explanation.  Spirits automatically elevate on Fridays as we turn to the heavens and recite TGIF, people, TGIF!

Saturday and Sunday are two other days that speak for themselves.  Who doesn’t love the weekend? Except, of course, if you’re retired and living in Florida and hardly know what day of the week it is, anyway.

And now we focus on Tuesday.   According to Nicky and her followers, (two, at last count) Tuesday is a non-event.  It’s the pointless 24 hours between Monday and Wednesday, and should be banished from the calendar.

As much as I would like to be supportive of my friend, as I was when she was ardently defending AOL users, I do find some problems with her current crusade.  First of all, one cannot just arbitrarily decide to reduce the number of days of the week to six without the risk of incurring the wrath of the spirits of the ancient Babylonians, who first established the seven-day week as long ago as the 6th and 7th centuries b.c.   It is also mentioned in the history books that this temporal division was also widely accepted by the Jews, many of whom are now retired and living in Florida, and having nothing better to do, might seriously oppose such a plan.

Second, the day of the week in question was named after the German god Tiw.  (Don’t try to pronounce it, just accept it as fact.)  Herr Tiw was the German god of war and combat, so I’d think twice before I engaged in an argument with him, as well.

And in its defense, below is a brief list of notable and not-so-notable events, both historic and cultural, which happened to land on a Tuesday.

In 1845, Congress deemed Tuesday important enough to make it Election Day.

October 29, 1929, or Black Tuesday, also known as the Wall St. Crash of 1929, and one of the causes of the Great Depression.  Tuesday is not so proud of that one.

Mardi Gras, or Fat Tuesday.  Now, what killjoy would consider doing away with this carnival celebration, and messing with an entire series of Christian traditions?

Taco Tuesday? Besides being an alliteration, Taco Tuesday is really a “thing.”  It was so named by a fast food chain called Taco John’s in Cheyenne, Wyoming, but has been co-opted by other Mexican food establishments.

And without Tuesday, would there be a Tuesday Weld?

And without Tuesday we’d be saying “good bye” to Ruby Monday or Ruby Saturday.  It’s just not the same.   And we’d be eating from the salad bar at Ruby Thursday’s.

Take away Tuesday and there can be no Hump Day.  Think about it.

Senior Discount Day typically falls on a Tuesday.  Mess with that and risk the wrath of all those retired people in Florida!

Would the conversations have been the same if Mitch Albom had visited Morrie on a Monday? I believe that Tuesday was significant in keeping that book on the best seller list for four years!

And last, but not least, for all you shoppers out there, I present Tuesday Morning.  It’s the great deals-on-everything retail chain that restocks the bargains, you guessed it, every Tuesday morning.

So Nicky, my dear friend, I hope I’ve demonstrated that Tuesday does, indeed, have value, and deserves to be maintained in its rightful place, snugly between Monday and Wednesday.  And perhaps a cause worthier of your energy will present itself.  Like, I don’t know, figuring out how long after January 1st we can finally stop wishing people a Happy New Year.  I would definitely work with you on that one!

Humor Blogs