Warning!  If you are even slightly shy, you might want to stop reading now.  Because today I will be discussing an intimate body part known as the “intergluteal cleft.”  Translation for those of us not having a medical dictionary at hand, I am referring to our butt cracks!

If you watch even a smattering of television, I’m sure you’ve noticed the commercials for a product called Lume, pronounced Lu-mee.  (Sorry, my keyboard doesn’t have the appropriate diacritic key.)  It’s hard to miss.  The in-your-face face of its inventor, one Dr. Shannon Klingman, does a close-up so close up on your screen that it provides a TV viewing experience akin to IMAX.

In her all-to-frequent ads, she of the giant head proclaims that she has created a full-body deodorant so safe and effective that it can be used anywhere on your body, including your private and not-so-private parts.  I watch in amazement as she pantomimes the application of Lume (please picture the mark that turns the final letter into a long “e”) on her own enlarged anatomical structures.  I mean, who knew that my boobs might be smelly even if I showered every day!  I’ve never had any complaints.  But that’s a topic for another day.

I’ve gotten used to seeing her take over my entire TV screen, so when I hear her voice, I have been able to tune out her enthusiasm for eliminating body odor.  But the other day, one of her commercials made me sit up and take notice.   While most of her spiel includes a rundown of all possible areas of the body where bacteria could be lurking, this commercial had a particular focus on the cleavage between our lower cheeks, crudely known as the butt crack.

What I found so curiously startling about this particular 60-second segment was that Dr. Klingman was actually quoting statistics from a study, complete with visuals such as a bar graph, that proved that an application of Lume was effective in eliminating 100% of butt crack odor for a full 72 hours, whereas 60% of odor (or something like that) remained or returned in the same time period after a mere shower.

Wow! This was amazing.  Not the deodorant, but the idea that such a study even existed.  I mean, who funds a study on butt crack odor? And why? And what is the protocol?  I don’t even want to think about it!

Did the study’s participants agree to not shower for three days?  That’s not the habit of most people I know.

And tell me, how do we know that our butt cracks smell?  I’m no contortionist, and it certainly never occurred to me to ask a friend, or even my husband.

Dr. Klingman, I have a fresh marketing idea for you.  Have you ever considered selling your products through Petco?    Because it’s dogs, not people, who get acquainted by sniffing each other’s butts.   Having raised five dogs over the years, I have countless memories of getting tangled in dog leashes while my and a neighbor’s canine circled each other nose to rear end, deciding if they could be friends.

And think of all the creative new scents you could develop.  Smells like Fire Hydrant, Chicken Bones, Goose Poop and all those other good whiffs to which dogs are attracted.  Even the fiercest of dogs could become best buds based on the pleasing aromas emanating from their rear ends.

No need to acknowledge me for authoring this novel concept.  And I don’t want any royalties.  But you could do me one big favor.  Please remove your face, and all your body parts, from my TV screen.  I, and my dog, thank you!

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