Kellyanne Conway. I am in awe of you. But at the same time, you are an enigma. I regard you with such a broad spectrum of feelings that I have no idea how I’ll respond to you from one day to the next. Not that you care. You don’t know me. I’m a mere speck on the electoral map. Nevertheless, you have succeeded in provoking my emotional system.
There are times I feel deep admiration for you. I think you’re very smart and I respect what you’ve accomplished. You’ve made it big in a man’s world.
Other times I view you with sympathy. You really do have a very difficult job trying to explain the actions of your boss(es).
And then there are those other moments when you appear on my TV screen, and I get really pissed off. This usually results in a powerful urge to use your face as the target for a Boston Cream Pie. Fortunately, I never have one at hand because I would hate to clean up the mess.
But, I also feel deep gratitude. You have recently given me a very valuable gift. You have coined a phrase far more useful than logic and objectivity. And so I thank you for introducing me to the world of Alternative Facts. A world where fried chicken, bagels, and ice cream do not make one fat.
Alternative facts explain so much of what occurs in everyday life, especially now that I’m “a woman of a certain age.” And what a relief it is to have this divergent insight, which is definitely more palatable than denial.
Therefore, in your honor, I present some half-dozen vignettes which illustrate my practical application of your creation, the AF. The Alternative Fact.
I need a new pair of Capri pants. I make my selection in my usual size and proceed to the fitting room. I try on the pants but they’re too tight.
Fact: I’ve gained 10 pounds.
AF: They’re not making Size 8s like they used to.
I can no longer reach the top shelf of my dish cabinet without the aid of a step stool.
Fact: I’ve lost over an inch of height.
AF: The floor is sinking. Better call the handyman.
The words in the book I’m trying to read are dancing on the page.
Fact: The optometrist said I need stronger reading glasses.
AF: The difficulty is due to inferior light bulbs, imported from China.
I have discovered a new wrinkle on my face where none was before.
Fact: Loss of skin tone is inevitable as one ages.
AF: The wrinkle was an illusion created by a stream of sunlight refracting off the mirror.
My body feels stiff when I get out of bed in the morning.
Fact: I have been diagnosed with arthritis
AF: I’d be as limber as ever if only someone would just invent the perfect mattress.
Our sex life ain’t what it used to be.
Fact: Aging affects one’s libido
AF: A good night’s sleep is the new orgasm.
I could create a longer list. But I think I’ve made my point.
So thank you, Kellyanne (it’s such a sweet name). It should be clear from these examples that Alternative Facts have given me a much brighter outlook on life.
And Lord knows, we all need that right now.